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Five of the Internet’s Weirdest Sex Toys Featured Work

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Five of the Internet’s Weirdest Sex Toys

August 18th, 2013 by abraxas received No Comments »

Being bored at work for hours on end can lead you down a dark and twisted internet path. Facebook scanning becomes Buzzfeed articles, which turns into shoe shopping, then ex stalking on Facebook (again), which leads you to a news article, a Google Ad and before you know it your search history has become NSFW.

I have found a lot of weird things this way, lost in the depths of my bored and curiosity. Earlier this week, I discovered the Ostrich Pillow and honestly, I’m torn between how amazing and how useless it really is. Nevertheless, my boredom has also driven me to even stranger, bizarre and “that goes where?” searches. So in efforts of saving you from the shaddy searches I’ve conducted, I have come up with handy reference guide for one specific area: sex toys.

Check out the five weirdest ones that I found recently and let me know if you’ve found stranger ones.

Tenga Egg:
This is the product that brought you the catchy tagline of “Different Strokes for Different Yolks.” The Tenga Egg is an egg turned fleshlight. Coming to you in a carton of six (maybe they’ll upgrade to 12 or 18 one day), these eggs all have a different sensation providing center. You simply peel the egg, unscrew it, remove the lube, squeeze that juice all up inside of the egg and the outside and go to town. Nothing like getting a handy from an egg. The incredible edible(?) egg, anyone? Reviews say they break easily.

The Drippy Dragon:
This toy must have been created for the Bronies who spun off into dragon lovers. Designed to fulfill all of your dragon fantasies, the Drippy Dragon, also known as Vergil, is a free standing dildo that will not only plunge deep into your Netherlands, it will also ejaculate from what they have so elegantly called “the cumtube.” Don’t worry, you don’t have to get some standard dragon toy either, you can customize it to all of your Magic the Gathering needs.

The George Bush Butt Plug:
I’ve seen the Jesus Butt Plug and the Obama dildo, but the George Bush Butt Plug is a never seen before toy. Albeit, this toy isn’t new. It reared it’s inept head back in 2007, just before his term ended, but nevertheless, this will make the perfect gift for any die-hard Republican in your life. Just sit him down and sit on his face and he’ll do more positive work than he’s done in his entire presidential career.

The Accommodator:
Do you ever find yourself thinking how annoying it is that you have to use a strap on around your waist, as it if it really was your genitalia? I know I do. Clearly there are others out there just like us because someone took it upon themselves to start making strap-ons that fit on your head, giving you the chance to really give someone a piece of your mind. Strangely enough, this isn’t that odd of a toy as most sex stores like Adam and Eve sell some variation of this toy. But don’t go for a knock-off, go for the real thing. Accommodate your partner, your head and your endless pleasure with the Accommodator. I hope this resonates in your head in the voice of the Terminator.

The Squeel:
Sounds like wheel, makes you think of a pig… what exactly is it? The Squeel is a nifty hand held toy that comes with not 1, not 2, but TEN tongues to rivet your most sensitive of bits. These tongues rotate in a wheel like fashion and look like a flesh colored gear. Get rid of your standard vibes, dildos and glass anal toys, cause baby all you need is ten tongues to rock you silly.


Bizarre Sex Toys

December 7th, 2011 by abraxas received No Comments »

Hyper-realistic Japanese Dolls

Thousands of men in Japan are dropping $6,500 on these hyper-realistic dolls. Sexy friends that meet all their needs, and–best of all–don’t talk back. Created by Orient Industries, you can customize your doll with a wide selection of fully interchangeable faces and hairpieces. All dolls are, of course, waterproof.

Artificial Hymen

Sex-toy company Gigimodo created this “artificial hymen” –a plastic bag filled with, well, fake blood– for those of you who either need to lie about being a virgin, or want to re-live the doubtlessly thrilling experience of losing your maidenly flower.

Obama Dildo

Just in time to insert more pork into the new stimulus package comes the “official” Obama pleasure toy. For only $34.95 you can get the “Head O State Obama Sex Toy” with a choice between “Presidential Gold” and “Democratic Blue”.

Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack

The thought of being bagged up like a birthday present isn’t everyone’s idea of fun, but according to the site,this total body sack is “so comfortable, you could spend an entire night in it”. We’ll take it on trust.

Eco-Friendly Vibrator

Love yourself and the planet at the same time with Sola, a small bullet-shaped vibrator powered by the sun. The price of being green? $69.95.

Real Touch

This computer-controlled “stimulation” device uses “specially encoded content” to bring a sort of virtual-reality experience to your wang. Using a host of technologies, the futuristic-looking computer peripheral simulates motion, adjusts temperature and provides lubrication. The encoding is deciphered by a custom Windows Media Player plugin and it’s available for $150.

Cup Nude

At some point everyone has enjoyed a fresh cup of hot noodles. While the traditional instant cup would satisfy your hunger, the “Cup Nude” satisfies a completely different need altogether. Although similar in design, you will immediately notice upon opening that this is not your average midnight snack. Complete with a packet of “Gently Acid Lotion”, you are sure to find enjoyment in this loving product, unless, of course, there is real acid in that packet… ouch!

Hello Kitty Vibrator

Originally marketed as a neck massager, this was one of the cult Hello Kitty collectibles that could only be acquired in Japan. But a couple of things didn’t seem to fit the whole “neck massager” claim. The first was the size and the shape. The second was the nature of its vibrational, uh, “qualities”. So Hello Kitty has done everything then. Good show.

Hizamakura’s Lap Pillow

Here is something kooky. Normally you’d think that resting your head on a lap would just be for lovebirds. But not in Japan! They seem to have something for everyone and the Hizamakura Lap Pillow is no exception. It is shaped like the lap of a woman, where you can perhaps sleep better knowing you are in a good lap. Only in Japan. Price? $142.

Gold-plated Vibrator

Meet the world’s most expensive vibrator, a 18 karat gold-plated piece that weighs approximately 5 ounces and is 3 inches long. Made in Sweden by Lelo, it has a suggested retail price of $1500, but can be yours for as little as $999.